Too Much, Girl: Eight Eyes Are Better Than Two

Hi babes. You wanna catch a man? Me too, obviously. Let’s get to work!

First things first: put on some regular old eye makeup. Whatever you want it to look like! You’re just going to use your boring old regular eyes as a guide to, um, enhance your features.

Take the darkest shade of eyeshadow you used in the crease of your eyelids and make little upside down semi-circles to form the “creases” of your six new eyelids—two sets above your god-given eyes and one below. Use a lighter, brighter shade to make the “lids” pop out from your skin.

You may have noticed that I just ignored my eyebrows entirely. I can do that pretty easily because 1) I am kind of puny-browed to start with, and 2) bleach (In the words of Saint Jolie Kerr, <3 u, Bleachie!). If you happen to be endowed with serious brows, 1) I envy you, and 2) you are kind of at a disadvantage when it comes to making your eyebrows look like eyelids. Sorry! You can always seal and conceal them, but I’m not going to do that right now because—let’s be real here—I’m just not willing to go to that much trouble to catch the attention of a meal— oops I mean man—if I don’t have to.

Add some lash lines with an angled brush. Don’t stress yourself too hard about symmetry. People whose eyes are shaped very symmetrically look like aliens.

Touch up any smudges and add a dot of shimmering powder in the center of all eight eyelids. Then it’s time for lashes! I got this set of 10 for like, $8 at a Wal-Mart in North Carolina. It’s always prudent to keep a spare pair of false lashes on hand.

Get ready to settle in for a bit to stick your lashes on. Pour a glass of wine or Cherry 7-Up; make sure the music’s good! It takes a bit of patience to wait long enough for glue to dry to an applicable texture on eight individual lash strips and adhere ‘em to your face properly. Angle the lashes so they point outward like your natural lashes do when your eyes are closed. This will give you a serene, 3/4-sleeping expression that prospective mates find very attractive.

Apply blush to make yourself look post-orgasmic and full of blood. Sexually mature humans are known to consider this flushed appearance appealing.

And then red, red lipstick. This shade and shiny texture helps both to attract a sex partner and also to disguise the presence of his or her blood on or around your mouth-hole following the act of coitus.

Aaaaand you’re ready, just in time! It’s the crack of dusk, girl. Better get to work on that web if you wanna snag a tasty man* before the night is out!

*human person of whatever sex and gender you prefer to rub wet bits with and subsequently dine on. Best of luck, lovelies! xo

Jennifer Culp is an artist, writer, and accomplished procrastinator. Her work has been published on The Hairpin, The Toast, and The Mary Sue, and she is the founder and co-editor of Gamervescent.