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I Love Lotion, But If You Hate Lotion, You'll Love These Five Lotions

Illustration for article titled I Love Lotion, But If You Hate Lotion, Youll Love These Five Lotions

Today we gather in reverent supplication to a headline that will make you go, “Wait, I think I’m still drunk from yesterday.” It’s a Zen koan for a girl whose greatest passion is moisture—“Five Lotions for People Who Hate Lotion,” a blog post at


“My name is Amber and I hate lotion. There, I’ve said it,” the post begins. But, because we live in a world where lotion use is mandatory based on fluctuating state-by-state regulations, the post does not end there. If you hate lotion but need some suggestions for lotion, here are five lotions for you: a spray lotion, an aromatherapeutic lotion, an oatmeal lotion with a “powdery finish,” a shower lotion, and a lotion for wet skin ft. everyone’s favorite lotion, coconut oil.

While some lotions can just be so “lotion,” luckily, these lotions are here to be “different lotion.” Let’s just say that these lotions reach the perfect middle ground between lotion and lotion. Do you hate lotion but love some lotion? Tell me, a typing skeleton made entirely out of solidified lotion, in the comments.


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Image via Comedy Central

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This is slightly related: What do you do if you have dry patches on the upper-back of your thighs? It’s about palm-sized, on both legs, and I’ve had it for over a year. It gets better or worse with stress. It’s red and flakey and nothing I’ve tried has gotten rid of it. Any tips? I may be in the position of getting semi-regular sex and dry skin patches aren’t sexy.