Why Does Every Store Want Me to Wear Hideous Clothes This Fall?

Summer is officially over and apparently so is any chance we have at looking halfway decent. If you’ve taken a stroll—virtual or real—through a women’s retailer in the past month or so, you may have noticed that almost every store wants us to dress like blind Annie Hall extras.

You know when you’re itching to go shopping? When you’re practically gnawing at the bits to be financially irresponsible and feel that glorious high that comes from ripping off a brand new tag? All I’ve wanted to do is have this beautiful moment, but I’ve been unable. My thirst has remained unquenched by the offerings of stores that usually have my back.

Somebody decided that the 1970s are back for Fall 2015 despite the overwhelming evidence that we all seem pretty content to relive ‘90s fashion for awhile longer. Sorry guys, people didn’t look that great in ‘70s and I refuse to repeat their mistakes, but my goodness are they making it hard.

Zara

It’s an enormous pants party! Anyone who thinks they could get me in a pair of oversized, velvet pants is on some very expensive drugs.

This. Fucking. Skirt. This A-line skirt with the buttons all the way down monstrosity is my new arch nemesis. These things are e v e r y w h e r e. Someone is trying to make it THE skirt of Fall/Winter 2015 and frankly, I find it offensive. Nobody needs that many damn buttons.

Another hallmark of this dark era of fashion are some of the most hideous prints imaginable. The one in the middle looks like a microscopic view of some sort of bacteria.

Ah yes, flares that hit me at the ankles. Could there be anything less flattering?

Culottes should die a fiery death.

Topshop

I AM A WOMAN, NOT A BELL. I don’t need or want bell sleeves.

Can we talk about how everything is suede or corduroy now? Everything is suede or corduroy now. I hate it.

These red leopard numbers might be the most tragic pair of boots I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Thank god a real python didn’t have to die for this.

We’ll come back to this lace-up neckline disaster a bit later.

Oh look, it’s our old friend, TERRIBLE BUTTON SKIRT again.

MY GOOD GOD THESE PRINTS.

Flares. What I hate about the flares resurgence is that flare pants have still been around—albeit quietly. I have a pair of great burgundy Paige Denim flares that I bought four years ago. But those flares aren’t velvet and terrible and in the ugliest patterns on earth.

Random shoutout to these three very ugly pieces of clothing.

Vests are always sort of tricky—no need to make things even worse by making vests out of the pelts of Dr. Seuss characters.

Did you get your invitation to join the Hideous Skirt Club?

H&M

I told you this skirt was everywhere.

I truly don’t understand how that middle jumpsuit was put into production. How did no one stop this?

Only Lucifer himself could have designed something as evil as the ankle flare.

Nasty Gal

I love denim. I live in denim. And it hurts my heart to see someone do this to perfectly good denim.

Perhaps what I hate most about the fashion industry trying to make flares a thing again is that it’s such an embarrassingly blatant grab. We get it, every year fashion has to be just a liiitle bit different in order to keep this train moving. But they’re trying to get us to completely overhaul our denim collections in three months time and I’m not having it. If you want us to replace our skinny jeans, at least pretend like the new option is remotely flattering.

These vests legitimately look like costumes from a community theater production of Peter Pan.

I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A SUEDE DRESS, DAMMIT.

I told you we’d come back to this sexy pirate-inspired look. My main problem here is that this lace-up business is just plain unflattering. Any significant boobage and you’re going to be fiddling with those strings all night. That issue aside, you still have a bunch of damn string cutting across your chest. There truly are no upsides.

Would you prefer a dress version of this terrible design?

Oh, we got plenty.

Kelly Faircloth’s opinion on this Frankenstein denim: “Is that from their bigoted Kentucky clerk collection?”

Imagine owning this many suede skirts and still being proud of yourself as an adult human.

Even a kaleidoscope would look these patterns and think: “Hmm, I think it’s a bit too much, honey.”

ASOS

A fringe suede cape.

A fringe suede cape.

A FRINGE SUEDE CAPE.

A. Fringe. Suede. Cape.

A fRiNgE sUeDe CaPe.

A FRINge suede cape.

The only time patchwork is acceptable is when it’s for a blanket or when it is absolutely necessary—like you live out on a farm and you need an new dress so your mom has to sew together parts of old clothing to make you something new.

Was there a contest to see who could make the skirt most insulting to good taste and common decency?

Get you one of these suede apron dresses, ladies and prepare to look like Hansel and Gretel’s never talked about big sister.

Aldo

If David Bowie was willing to retire these boots, why does Aldo think they have any business bringing them back?