Did you watch The Bachelorette? Me neither, but that won’t stop me from talking about it. Here, a cisgender ¯\_(ツ)_/¯sexual female person who has never watched the show asks a cisgender heterosexual male person who did watch the show, “What was it about this chick that 25 guys wanted to marry her?”

Jane: What was it about The Bachelorette?

Gabe: Like, what is it about the show, or what is it about the most recent Bachelorette in particular?

Her in particular. What’s her name?

Kaitlyn? I mean, it’s pronounced Kaitlyn. I am not clear on the spelling... Oh, thank God, I just checked and I NAILED the spelling.

Is she the most beautiful woman alive?

No. I mean, no offense to her.

None taken. But 25 men wanted to marry her.

Well, let’s break that down. First of all, it sounds like you don’t know anything about The Bachelorette, which is fine, but 25 men always “want to marry” her. This is not new or specific to her. What IS new and specific to her is that this season they actually started the season with TWO bachelorettes, and the 25 men voted on which one they most “wanted to marry” so actually 25 men didn’t even want to marry her. The vote was split.

Haha, that’s so mean.

So maybe 13 men wanted to marry her. It was genuinely cruel and bizarre. The show is already such a nightmare, why put someone through the public humiliation of not being on the show? I have a theory though. So, both women were from last season of The Bachelor, Britt and Kaitlyn.

Where they were both rejected already, yes?

They both lost, yeah. They are both losers, yes. JKJKJK SORRY LADIES!!!!

And now one of them is a double loser.

But here’s the thing, I think a lot of guys had the hots for Britt, but she was a controversial figure because she seemed pretty fake and actress-y and like you could not trust her for shit. Whereas Kaitlyn I think reminded a lot of women of themselves, like, she seemed fun and smart and cool and cute and more normal. So they bring them both on at the beginning and everyone’s losing their minds, right? Like, “How can you do this!!!! This is so cruel!!!” And pretending like they are going to leave it up to the men to decide. As if the producers don’t know EXACTLY WHICH MEN ARE VOTING FOR WHICH WOMAN. As if they couldn’t stack the deck.

As if it’s not a television show.

I’m sure there was a little wiggle room, but my feeling is that it was the producers punishing Britt and handing the female viewers a “victory.”And NOBODY wants to talk about it.

Punishing Britt for what? Being hot?

Yes, punishing Britt for being the hot girl who seems to float through life when all the rest of “us” are out here struggling.

Yeah, fuck her. I don’t even know her but fuck her.

Not that Kaitlyn wasn’t pretty. It’s not like Britt was hot and Kaitlyn was Meatwad. Kaitlyn was cute!

So yeah, back to Kaitlyn. What exactly was it about her?

Oh who knows.

Was it her hair? Should I get her hair? Was it her butt?

She made dirty jokes?

I can do that.

She seemed fairly normal. She was Canadian so she had that going for her. But also as with anyone who is being pushed through the Reality TV Grinder, it’s hard to really know anything. She can’t be THAT cool or normal because she’s THE BACHELORETTE.

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I’m going to look at her right now for the first time... Blue eyes, dark hair. Like Jesus. The White Jesus.

Hahaha. She vacillated wildly between being “basic” and then wearing beautiful gowns.

I can do that!

She is a true enigma.

She has a nose ring. Does that help? Does that help 13 guys want to marry you?

No. I am not a fan.

Oh, yeah, you’re clearly team Britt, sorry.

Yes. I have made that clear. FLOAT ON, BRITT.

I’m going to look at Britt for the first time right now...Britt has ombré highlights. Does that make 12 guys want to marry her?

Oh OK, you just want to be more like The Bachelorette, any bachelorette?

Yes.

OK, so here’s what you do: Hire a line producer to write you funny quips to say into a camera. Pretend like laughing at a fart makes you The Realest Person Alive. And then have all of your dates in Ireland.

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Done. The Bachelorette is like Cinderella sort of? Except there’s no prince. But there is a Cinderella and evil stepsisters. And everyone wants to BE Cinderella.

It’s like Cinderella, but there’s “Two Princes.”

The show keeps telling you that this is a “fairy tale” so they are literally trying to channel the Cinderella story. The part that they don’t put into the narration is that being followed constantly by a camera crew and a team of producers watching your every move as you are forced into “intimate” situations with complete strangers sounds like a living nightmare?

Right. It seems like the “thing” about Kaitlyn is her willingness? Like Katy Perry. She’s not the world’s greatest vocalist but she tries so hard. She shows up and puts on the costume and smiles.

She seemed like she had some life to her at the beginning. Watching her towards the end, when she’s trotted out in front of a live studio audience in a new gown with a new hairdo and a lot of HD-ready makeup on to talk about her “journey” it actually is very reminiscent of The Hunger Games.

Uh oh. Here we go.

It just feels like she has watched everyone around her be slaughtered, some by her own hand, and now she has to smile for the cameras and talk about loving Peeta or whatever. They all have dead eyes by the end.

Now I’m sad.

Oh, it’s a total bummer!

I thought I was going to learn some tricks.Like, “Wear more sequins, Jane!”

Sequins won’t fix it, but sequins don’t hurt either.

“Fix it.” 😞 OK, well thanks for your time. I understand nothing. If I’m being totally honestI look at those chicks, Britt and Kaitlyn, and I can’t imagine fucking either one of them. Can you? Or can cisgender hetero guys imagine fucking everyone? That’s what it is right?

Haha, what don’t you understand?! I feel like you understand.

Like, I know what it is about Cinderella. She’s got a fully intact hymen, she can cook and clean, she has the world’s smallest waist. But these girls have NONE of that. Maybe they can cook, I don’t want to take that away from them.

What metric are you judging The Bachelorette on?

Oh, I don’t know, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WATCHING IT. The entire country enraptured by whether or not anyone will fuck (marry) them.

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Right, but there’s a huge difference between watching the show and wanting to be in actual relationships with any of the people on the show. You’re acting like somehow The Bachelorette actually does present any kind of real guideline for how to be a human being and I can assure you it does not. But every show is about that. The Bachelorette just wears it on its sleeve. True Detective is almost as obsessed as The Bachelorette with who is fucking whom.

I just wanted there to be an answer like, “The reason 25 guys wanted to marry her is ______.”

Hahahahaha. Oh, OK, I can answer that. The reason 25 guys wanted to marry her is because they are the type of people who would go on The Bachelorette in the first place, and maybe if they win and get to marry her, they will continue to be on TV like as a guest host of The Chew or something.

I wish them all the best.

Me too, man. Me too.


Contact the author at jane.marie@jezebel.com.

Image via ABC.