Confession: This isn't actually me typing this. Judge Kara Brown has generously offered to take dictation because I can't type. Ok, I can type, but when I do it comes out like this:

I got my nails done on Tuesday after I saw this clip of Kim Kardashian with a beautiful pastel manicure. The color actually reminds me of the gaming system from the 1999 Canadian film eXistenZ starring Jennifer Jason Leigh:

At the nail salon, I said I wanted a full set of acrylics, and the tips plus the manicure together were only $40 which is practically free so my brain stopped working and I leaned in. When the manicurist asked me how long I wanted them, she suggested, "Not too long and not too short, right?"

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I disagreed. "With me, you're going to want to err on the side of too long." See, when I was in high school my fake nails were so long that they crept into more yearbook photos than my face did. They were incredible.

Anyway, back to this week: almost immediately I realized I had a little trouble texting, but it didn't occur to me that I was potentially destroying my career as a professional typist until I got home and sat down at my computer. Utter nonsense came out.

What's the solution? Well, I could either cut my nails (no) or do what I imagine Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj do: hire an assistant. That's how good they look.

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[This is Kara. As it turns out, I actually have a real job and can't sit around all day typing shit on Jane's behalf. So if anyone in the Los Angeles area would like to volunteer their hands, I would very much appreciate it.]