You know how it is: one day you’re following Amber Rose on Instagram because she is perfect and your kids are the same age and you live near each other so *fingers crossed* you’ll be ready when you bump into her at Whole Foods. Ready for what? Ready to hit the heart button in real life! Anyway, so there you are stalking a perfect stranger — if by “stranger” you mean a woman you almost literally bumped into one afternoon seven years ago on the sidewalk in Little Italy — and suddenly she starts posting the most glorious nail art pictures and they’re all credited to @teananails. You call the salon where Teana works and are told that her name is pronounced “Tonya” which is almost too much fun to believe and to this day you suspect that can’t possibly be right and you either misheard the receptionist or the receptionist is out to get Teana. A few more calls and you find that Teana, it turns out, is booked until November but will try to squeeze you in after that (gasp!).

In the meantime, you decide follow her and every Instagram account she mentions and all of her hashtags until the nail art rabbit hole leads you to this shit. What the fuck is this shit? What ever happened to good old fashioned jewelry? Kids these days. Can you even do one thing with your nails decorated this way? Like, for example, can you properly wipe your ass? Can you pick your nose? Can you wash dishes? Just kidding, you have a maid, clearly, you fancy, fancy thing. But can you send an email? Can you swipe your black card? Can you milk a prostate? No. The answer is no. Behold anyway.


Contact the author at jane.marie@jezebel.com.