Non-Melty Makeup for Gross Outdoor Music Fests in 25 Harrowing Steps

Went to Coachella, dudes, and this is what I did to my face. It’s a lot! I apologize in advance, but as I’ve said before, I don’t like looking extra-hideous next to perfect baby models hanging out in the VIP rose garden. The following is the amount of work it takes to just look regular-hideous. It’s important to check your work in the type of light you’ll be spending time in, so here I am at high noon in the desert with no makeup on:

Step 1: The night before, do whatever you can! Put on a bunch of creams and some of those anti-aging eye patch things they at the checkout at Sephora. Not sure what they do. Now go to bed!

Step 2: Wake up. Splash water on your face. Pat dry and apply some eye cream.

Step 3: Sunscreen

I got this SPF 50 stuff for my face from my dermatologist after I got a chemical peel once, so I assume it works? Just a light shmear, and then I wait 10 minutes or so before moving on.

Step 4: Prime

Maybe a matte primer will control my grease output? Who knows.

Step 5: Contour

Okay, so I’m only doing this because the Jenners are here and I have to keep up with the Jenners. Also, my under-chin fat is in FULL EFFECT right now for some reason so I’ll paint it dark like a shadow and no one will know it’s there, right?

Step 6: Foundation

Ha! You thought the contouring covered it, but no. I’ll use a dab of this on a BeautyBlender to… any guesses? Yep, blend everything together.

Step 7: Under Eye Concealer

Step 8: Setting Powder

This is the first of two fixatives I’m going to use. Touchups are difficult at disgusting outdoor music festivals so we want this shit to STICK.

Step 9: Eye Drops

Step 10: Tightlining & Waterlining

Tightlining is that thing where you try to get black eye liner in between every single eyelash and waterlining is where you put the liner inside the rim of your eyelid. Scary shit.

Step 10: Eyeshadow Primer

Step 11: Eyeshadow

I’m going to use a neutral beige all over the lid and a little bit of a purplish-gray along my lash line because it’s the natural color of my eye skin.

Step 12:Eyebrow Highlighter

I smudge this just under the arch of my eyebrow.

Step 13: Eyebrow Pencil

I don’t know if I like this pencil, but I’m going to use it until it’s gone and decide later.

Step 14: Eyebrow Gel

I’m going for FULL ARMOR today, so why not? Plus, brushing through my penciled-in brows makes them look a little more natural.

Step 15: Fake Eyelashes! Instant glamour, all-day staying power. Even if the rest of your face melts off, these won’t if you use good glue.

Step 16: Lip Primer

Not sure what this does but it sounds like it could help my lipstick stay on?

Step 17: Blush

I saw a girl the other day who wore her blush up under her eyes like WAY higher than I ever would. Didn’t have the guts to do that to myself today, but soon…

Step 18: Bronzer

Step 19: Lip Liner

Step 20: Lipstick (#377)

Step 21: More lipstick.

Step 22: Powder around the nose.

I think Cindy Crawford was the one who said to be sure to cover your nostril redness if you want to look like her. HA!

Step 23: More Eyeliner

Apply this over the false eyelash strips to hide imperfections.

Step 24: Setting Spray

I think this stuff works? I’m pretty sure. Probably. It probably might work. Maybe?