Happy Halloween, dolls! I was going to make myself look extra creepy for your seasonally-appropriate viewing pleasure, but then something came up: I noticed that the man I love has been listening to a LOT of Our Lady Lana lately. Like, nonstop. I don’t know how things work in your universe, but personally I find that when your monogamous sex friend is Feeling a Thing, it can really work to your benefit to kind of lean into that Thing. An investment in future orgasms, if you will. And if the Thing happens to be Lana Del Rey and if—unthinkably!—your effort to get a little prettier doesn’t net you some sex and/or diamantes ices, then you’ll be perfectly attired to indulge in some self-destructive substance abusing sad-face wallowing to make yourself feel better. (Such is my reasoning, anyway.)

First, put your contacts in. Congratulate yourself heartily for finally getting your ‘scrip updated and procuring some new contact lenses.

Now you need some eyebrows. Search for your dark brown eyeliner pencil only to realize that you recently threw it away in a fit of organization. You’re already wearing your Etsy-sourced silk robe and definitely aren’t going to venture back out into the world to replace it now, though, so it’s a good thing you’re aware of the miracle that is wet eyeshadow.

Once you have the basic shape painted on with damp shadow (Lana’s brows are long and straight-ish with a curved arch near the outer edge of her eye), pat some dry shadow on top. It clings to the hairs to make ‘em look a little more natural.

Cover your eyelids with a light shadow.

Using a smallish brush, take a medium-tone neutral (whatever works for you; grayish looks better on my paper-white skin than brown-brown) and apply it in a rounded arch just above the natural crease of your eyelid.

Then take an even smaller flat brush (or just squash your smallish brush flat between your fingers) and add darker shadow to define the line further.

Winged liner: to capture the attention of a bad man look like Lana Del Rey, you need it. It’s tempting to write thousands of words and/or sing a sad, sad song about how to achieve the perfect winged eyeliner, but since millions of other people have already published excellent eyeliner tutorials in this magical non-place we all live called the Internet, I will spare you. Here is the short version: draw on the liner that actually defines your lash line from the inner corner of your eye outward. Use short strokes, then connect and smooth them. THEN, draw a line to serve as the guide for your wing from its outer point inward to where it will connect with the rest of the liner (as shown below). Then all you have to do is fatten it up and make it look good! I dunno man; you’ve just got to practice this shit. I recommend a marker-style liner with a fine tip (I’ve been using Kat Von D’s Tattoo Liner currently, but L’Oreal makes a badass one too).

Top eyelid liner alone is not worthy of a gangsta Nancy Sinatra, however. Draw a line just beneath your lower eyelashes, narrowing to a point near the inner corner of your eye.

Line your lower waterline with white liner to amp up the Valley of the Dolls effect. Then put on a metric shit-ton of mascara.

Agonize over which pair of lashes to wear for at least 20 minutes. Eventually choose this fluffy pair you bought at Forever 21; they really serve to emphasize your rich and dissolute lifestyle. As always, let your lash glue dry to a tacky consistency before stickin’ the lash-wigs to your lids.


Contour! (If brown is not the shade of your very own self-grown naked skin in shadow cast by natural light, do not use brown to contour. Cool mauve shades work best for me.)

And now we have arrived at the most important step of the Lana Lookalike Process: lips. Using a neutral liner that is close-to-but-slightly-less-colorful-than-your-natural-lip-shade, draw a line around—as in, outside of—your lipline. It will feel ridiculous. Ignore your feelings.

Put a similar shade of lipstick all over your lips and—this is the most important part—BLOT. Q-tips are the #1 most useful and important eye makeup tool ever invented, as we discussed once in the way-back. Paper towels are the Q-tips of lips.

Put your little red party dress on.

Put some long shiny brunette hair on. Fluff the top up into a lil’ bouffant thing and secure it with bobby pins.

Almost there! But still, something’s not quite right...

Of course! A flower crown.

And now we wait.

Jennifer Culp hopes every single one of you gets all the candy you can stomach this Hallow’s Eve. ♥