I’m “kind of in a weird place right now,” as they say when they are minimizing while fishing for sympathy. As a result, my beauty regimen has recently become both more intricate — perhaps I can slough off this funk with a million products? — and way sloppier. Think pizza boxes piled up next to the bed, but instead of being filled with cigarette butts, it’s makeup and nail polish and shit.

Look, I will be fine. I have a team of doctors, duh. (For a complete list of ailments, court me and then dump me and then ask me how I’m doing about six months later).

Wednesday, 12:00 A.M.

I stubbed my toe on Tuesday morning and the nail split in half so I stayed up late last night trying to fix it. Here’s a photo of the supplies I found I’d left out when I woke up this morning. No idea what that MAC CC Cream is doing there.

Wanna see how I’m currently storing nail supplies?

If you look closely, you might notice there’s a prescription pill bottle hiding in there. But a prescription for what?

Wednesday, 8 A.M.

NEW FLASH: Stress makes you break out, so I’m dealing with a lot of zits right now. For no reason other than it was at eye-level on the shelf at CVS the other night, I am using Neutrogena Rapid Clear as a spot treatment for my acne along with some oral minocycline when I remember to take it. This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and didn’t even wash my face; just dotted spot treatment on six of the most prominent pimples and headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

Now for some fun, here’s what half of my bathroom counter looks like:

I guess I like NARS packaging? (The makeup bag is from Rebecca Minkoff, in case you were wondering, which you were, but it’s five years old now so you can’t get it. Here’s the current version.) Good thing I have that quarter there.

11 A.M.

Nothing to report; still just sitting here writing in my dance clothes which I slept in last night. Bear with me, this post will pick up steam in a few hours when I actually have to leave the house.

2 P.M.

The other day, my seven-year-old Monster High obsessed Siberian half-sister asked me why I put makeup on every morning and I told her, “First of all, sometimes it doesn’t happen until the afternoon, and secondly because it’s fun.” I will never lie to her. I just like it, so I do it all the time. Also, it is my job.

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Right now I’m headed to pick my kid up from daycare and god forbid her teachers see me in my natural state, so I’m applying a full face of makeup (but not a full date face, that’s different and coming later this evening).

Here’s everything I slapped on just now, in order:

This feels like a good place to proclaim that I paid for everything on this list out of pocket. I ask for free samples at the department store when making a purchase, like any other customer, but I’m not a shill. Here at Millihelen we buy our own shit and would never recommend a product because it was given to us, but we will happily direct you where to buy stuff we actually pay for and like.

All the Time, Every Day

I use lip stuff pretty much constantly because it feels nice. Sometimes it’s this one from Nivea, sometimes it’s plain Vaseline, sometimes it’s this one from Blistex. It really depends on which one is in reach. I’ve used all three so far today. I don’t have any allegiance to any of them other than Vaseline, so in a few weeks it’ll be whichever tube was at the checkout at the grocery store.

5 P.M.

Shower time. I’m currently using this shampoo and conditioner from Davines.

My friend Janine sold me this duo at her salon last month. She said since I have naturally wavy/curly hair, I should shampoo and condition with products for my hair type regardless of how I end up styling it. Fascinating, huh? I love the formulation of the Davines line — my hair is killing it lately— but the packaging sucks. The shampoo literally falls out of the large opening in the bottle, just puddles of liquid, and the tub of conditioner you must dip your fingers into is difficult and kind of gross.

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Speaking of kind of gross: I don’t use bar soap. Haven’t in like 30 years. Instead, I save a lot of time and money by taking the suds from my soapy hair and work them all the way down my body. Pretty sure there are no negative effects of this practice after all this time?

6 P.M.

Blow dry with a little Kevin Murphy Volumiser for bounce.

Date time. That’s when I bust out this bad boy.

Starting over with a clean face, and in addition to all the stuff I listed above (minus the Tarte lip stuff and dry shampoo), I’ll also now apply the following:

It looks like I am balling out of control but half of the things I listed are just free samples I got at the checkout at Sephora. Here’s the end result:

10 P.M.

Home a little early. That’s okay!

Before bed, I wash my face with my trusty Clean & Clear Essentials Foaming Facial Cleanser. And now come the desperate measures:

I can’t wait for someone to tell my how toxic this combo is. “She died doing what she loved.”

By the way, La Mer just came out with a smaller $85 version of their creme if you’ve been curious (in addition to their previously cheapest size which was a prohibitive $170).

Okay, that’s it.


Contact the author at jane.marie@jezebel.com.