Today we gather in reverent supplication to a headline that will make you go, “Wait, I think I’m still drunk from yesterday.” It’s a Zen koan for a girl whose greatest passion is moisture—“Five Lotions for People Who Hate Lotion,” a blog post at Style.com.

“My name is Amber and I hate lotion. There, I’ve said it,” the post begins. But, because we live in a world where lotion use is mandatory based on fluctuating state-by-state regulations, the post does not end there. If you hate lotion but need some suggestions for lotion, here are five lotions for you: a spray lotion, an aromatherapeutic lotion, an oatmeal lotion with a “powdery finish,” a shower lotion, and a lotion for wet skin ft. everyone’s favorite lotion, coconut oil.

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While some lotions can just be so “lotion,” luckily, these lotions are here to be “different lotion.” Let’s just say that these lotions reach the perfect middle ground between lotion and lotion. Do you hate lotion but love some lotion? Tell me, a typing skeleton made entirely out of solidified lotion, in the comments.


Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.

Image via Comedy Central